


Never Speak of This Again

by xissiar



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alien Liquor, Bipolar Jim, Bones and Jim are damsels in distress, Bones is a little shit, Dead poets, Hangover, Hypomania, M/M, Maybe a tattoo, Sassy Spock, Spock likes collars, Tribbles, cheesey shakespeare refrences, concerned spock, mentions of lithium
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-21
Updated: 2014-12-21
Packaged: 2018-03-02 14:54:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2816177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xissiar/pseuds/xissiar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I feel really stupid, Spockers."<br/>"From what I can assess of the situation, you have every right to feel exponentially more foolish."<br/>Jim gasped. "Did you just sass me?"<br/>"Indeed, Captain."<br/>//\\//\\//\\//\\<br/>Jim and Bones are irresponsible space babies in need of rescuing. Spock is just trying to get his t'hy'la back. Hilarity ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never Speak of This Again

Spock paced back and forth on the bridge, glancing pointedly at the empty Captains chair.

Jim was 10.24 minutes late for the start of his shift. The bridge was oddly quiet without Jim around, mostly because of Spock's "live long and fuck yourself" speeches towards anyone who asked him about his relationship with his captain. Vulcans do not lie, but no one said they can't tactfully evade.

The thing is, Jim was with him for the majority of last night, and when they parted Spock knew exactly where he was going. There was an accident with an asteroid belt that apparently lieutenant Sulu couldn't handle without supervision. Now the bridge was silent. Not literally, but the only noise Spock cared to hear was temporarily missing, therefore there was no point in listening.

"Mr. Spock!" A cold hand clapped his left shoulder as he turned on his heels to face the source of the unwelcome touch.

"Emergency message from the captain, sir. He's voice called from his comm onto your computer..or something like that," the yeoman said.

Not long after, Spock was in his quarters staring at a blank screen, waiting for Jim to answer. "Jim? Jim can you hear me?"

"Whoa! Yeah, Spockers I got you," Spock frowned at the nickname.

"Please give me your coordinates, Captain. You are now 14.62 minutes late for your shift."

"Jesus, Spock," Spock heard snickering in the background.

"Jim, I need to know where you are and what has happened."

"Okay, okay. Swear you won't be mad."

"I will not be 'mad', Jim."

"Spock. Sweetheart. T'hy'la. Love of my life. It seems that Dr. McCoy and I have...eh...well we fucked up. And I can't remember how or why but we're old fashioned handcuffed to each other and I'm wearing a collar and Bones has nail polish on and he keeps swearing and I'm like 75% sure we have contraband because there are like seven tribbles just chilling over here and probably mating or some shit and also I haven't taken my medicine so I'm not doing too well and Bones keeps talking shit about musical theatre so I sung a song from Les Mis and he punched me in the face and split my lip and now he's snickering because he thinks you and I are in a romantic relationship..."

"You did just refer to me as 'love of your life', did you not?"

"Oh shit. We'll sort that out later. The point is I need you to find us and help us and dispose of these tribbles and get me my medicine before I jump out of my skin. Oh and Bones said he'd make a hotter girl than me so remind me to have a drag competition..."

"Illogical."

"Yeah whatever. Wait til you see me in drag, then it won't be illogical. Anyways also I might have an eyebrow piercing and Bones might be actually _missing_ part of his eyebrow and I swear we're never drinking that alien shit again and Bones threatened to become a vegetable gardener also I can do a rad dinosaur impression. I'm putting you on speaker so Bones and the Tribbles can join in."

Before Spock could protest, the voice of none other than Leonard McCoy started speaking.

"I'll have you know, Spock, that Jim here mutters your name while he's asleep."

"I do not!"

"Yes you do, kid."

Spock pinched the bridge of his nose. "Jim how am I expected to locate you if you yourself do not know your coordinates?"

"Can you trace this call somehow? Shh Bones stop licking that it's unsanitary."

"You ain't my mama."

"I am looking into it right now," Spock announced. There was a brief pause as he momentarily reassessed the situation and began running traces.

It was Jim who broke the silence."Spock! Bones is licking weird shit."

"Ask him to refrain."

"Dr. McCoy! Refrain from licking weird shit, captains orders."

"Don't tell me how to live my life, Kirk."

Spock sighed and continued running scans of the ship.

"I feel really stupid, Spockers."

"From what I can assess of the situation, you have every right to feel exponentially more foolish."

Jim gasped. "Did you just sass me?"

"Indeed, Captain."

Jim scoffed and made a vague noise of disbelief.

Spock interrupted, "The scanners are indicating somewhere on the engineering deck. It has yet to specify any further."

"What a travesty."

"Shut up, Bones." Jim muttered. Some time passed before Jim broke the silence again. "I'm naming this one Emily."

"Don't name the goddamn tribbles, Jim." Bones' exasperated voice echoed through the comm.

"And this one will be called Ernest. This one is William. This one is Charles. And this one is Edgar."

"Jim please refrain from naming the contraband after ancient Terran poets," Spock stated.

"Friends, Romans, Crewman, lend me your ears! I come to bury Dr. McCoy not to praise him. The evil that men do lives after them.."

"Jim, I'm begging you to shut the fuck up."

"The good.."

"Kirk so help me god if you make that pun I'll deposit my foot so far up your ass you'll have toes for teeth."

"..Is oft interred with their..."

"Don't you dare..."

"... _Bones_."

A loud groan came from Dr. McCoy, and a noise that can only be described as pure jubilation came from the Captain.

"I'm ashamed to be handcuffed to this moron. Hobgoblin, you any closer to finding our location?"

Spock hummed. "The computer located you quite some time ago."

"Then why haven't you told us?!" One octave higher and Jim's voice would have been a shriek.

"You neglected to ask."

* * *

 

The engineering deck was loud, crowded, and altogether unpleasant. The crewman, however, always seemed delighted to be there. They had a sort of familial bond, throughout the rest of the Enterprise it was subtle. An elbow to the ribs when a pair of redshirts saw Spock and the captain walking side by side. A whispered snide remark anytime they were asked to go on an away mission.

The engineering crew was tight knit for sure. If just one of the bunch saw Spock retrieving two inebriated officers from a maintenance closet, it would be all over the ship in no time.

With a pocket full of lithium and a head full of questions _,_ Spock made his way to the dreaded supply closet, nodding at several redshirts as he passed. No one questioned him, but almost everyone looked just as baffled as Spock felt.

After a quick survey of his surroundings, Spock approached the closet and started to override the door lock.

He wasn't exactly sure what he was expecting to see, really. The dead poet tribbles had multiplied exponentially, while Jim and McCoy were just about exactly as Jim had described. McCoy was indeed missing half an eyebrow, and his nails were painted blue and gold with the words "best freds" painted on them. Spock decided not to ask about that. The usual McCoy facial expression was one of annoyance and boredom, but now Spock could only think of one way to describe it. Anger. McCoy was in a rage.

As for Kirk, well... he did look annoyed, and his lip was split down the side, presumably from McCoy's right hook. It took all the self control Spock had in him not to do worse to the doctor himself, but his brain short circuited when he noticed that Kirk was _wearing a leather collar_. Spock sort of lost all cognitive function.

"Is he just gonna stand there and stare or is he gonna get us out of these fucking cuffs?" McCoy's voice brought Spock out of his trance.

"Hey there Spockers," Jim purred. He stared on for a moment before taking the medicine from Spock, letting their hands linger just a little longer than necessary.

"Spock, are you gonna get me and your girlfriend here out of these cuffs or are you just gonna stare at him all day?"

"I am most certainly not his girlfriend," Jim remarked after swallowing his pills.

"Whatever you say, Kirk. Whatever you say."

Spock started to work on picking the ancient lock on the handcuffs.

"When are you gonna tell him about the tattoo?" Bones asked suddenly.

"What tattoo?" Jim and Spock said simultaneously.

"Heh. Alright. I'll let you two figure that out for yourselves."

"Dammit man I'm a captain not a detective," Jim grinned.

"Don't even try, Kirk. Don't even try."

The walk through engineering to their quarters was condemning and uncomfortable. Spock, much to his disdain, had taken the collar off the captain and done everything to make the two of them look more presentable, but he could only do so much.

Bones parted to his own quarters, muttering something about damn lovebirds and alien liquor.

When they arrived at the captain's quarters Jim groaned and threw himself onto his bed. "I'm a fucking moron," he whined into his pillow. "C'mere."

Spock obeyed his t'hy'la, joined him on the bed, and Jim quickly made himself at home on Spock's chest. "Jim, I trust that you will not let whatever events that occurred last night effect your current state of mind.

"I'm sorry Spock..." Jim started.

"There is no need to apologize." Spock paused, reconsidering. "Unless of course you have abandoned the collar."

Jim looked up at Spock mischievously.

"Oh yeah? And what if I still have it?"

"Then I recommend we put it to use."

Jim chuckled. "Deal. Maybe while we're at it we can find that tattoo Bones was talking about because I'm still not entirely convinced it's there."

"I will be thorough in my searching, Captain."

"You better be."

Spock decided to spend the remainder of the day in bed. Turns out there was no tattoo, Spock wasn't sure if he was grateful or disappointed. After a few hours, Jim had calmed down enough to get some sleep, and Spock spent the rest of the evening curled around him, happy that Jim was content and safe. Spock wasn't sure he was ready for the full story of what happened last night, maybe some things are best left to the imagination.

And if later, Mr. Scott opened a supply closet door to find a few hundred tribbles at his feet, it would have to remain a mystery.

**Author's Note:**

> Wow I have no idea where this came from but I'll admit I'm kind of proud. If you want a story explaining Jim and Bones' drunken shenanigans I'd be more than happy to write it. Thanks for reading and pretty please review and whatnot. It would mean a lot to me you guys!


End file.
